Uncensored

Why some people bug me...

2009-03-25T07:32:00.002-05:00

...and why I bug myself!

Read a little Oswald this morning and this statement really connected with me.

"Goodness and purity should never be traits that draw attention to themselves, but should simply by magnets that draw people to Jesus Christ. A person who is a beautiful saint can be a hindrance in leading people to the Lord be presenting only what Christ has done for him, instead of presenting Jesus Christ himself."

Someone told me recently that the people that bug me the most represent the flaws I see in myself. How painfully true!

Oswald's statement represents one of those areas for me. I constantly have to check my motivation for doing the things I do. I'm tempted to do good things to glorify myself instead of glorifying and presenting Christ to others - 1 Corinthians 10:31.

Lord help my motivation for everything I do to be to give glory to You, and help me to see others as you see them.

Giving up...

2008-05-19T13:11:00.001-05:00

Ever feel like giving up?

Ever since we've been in Arkansas, I've experienced high highs and low lows in all areas of my life: marriage, parenting, finances, walk with God, job, etc. Just when I think things are going good, I am blindsided by another trial or struggle.

About 2 weeks ago, I was sick and tired of it. I was sick and tired of people telling me, "God is good", or "God will get you through", or one of my favorites, "Just spend more time in God's word." Although all these things are right on track, it didn't meet my need of the moment (Romans 12:15).

My small group community was bearing the brunt of my frustration 2 Sunday's ago and a friend my mine pointedly asked me what I was going to change. This definitely feel into the category of not meeting my need of the moment, but he asked the question with a loving spirit so I listened and pondered an answer while I verbally vented some more.

I continued to explain that his question was exactly the source of my frustration. I shared that I'm not experiencing the victory I think I should be (because of my effort in seeking God) in areas that I have been continually struggling in for years. In fact, in alot of areas its getting worse!!

He then asked the question that penetrated all the deception that I was experiencing, "How's your prayer life?" I couldn't say anything. You know the feeling you have when you know you heard a word from the Lord? This was one of those times.

My mind immediately recalled my time with the Lord over the past 18 months: Bible reading, Bible Study, Church, Worship, Small Group, Prayer? Very sporadic. Very VERY sporadic.

What I realized in that moment has radically changed my perspective. Seeking God's face through prayer has led me to block out the lies I was starting to believe about myself:

I'm done...

I'm never going to change...

God can't use a broken person like me, etc...

...and replace them with a deeper truth about who God is and who I am in Him.

Literally with hands raised and wanting to shout God's name (I would but Calvin is sleeping upstairs) I declare that God is good...faithful...all powerful...perfectly loving...my all in all.

Here's to the power of prayer. No...but rather to the power of God that is revealed through seeking his face through prayer.

H

Will you rescue me?

2008-03-22T10:11:00.003-05:00

This past week I took the family to the Big Dam Bridge. It is the worlds longest walking bridge that goes across the Arkansas River. If you've been watching the news this past week, you've probably seen some headlines about the flooding in and around Arkansas. You should have seen the water running 100 ft underneath the bridge. It intimidated me. The dirty water had visible whirlpools everywhere, white water, and I know there where undercurrents all over the place.

The kids were running ahead of us having a blast. Next thing I know, I look up and Zac and Ryland are climbing up the railing to get a better look at the water underneath. I had a moment of panic...then a moment of anger...then a realization that there's no way they could possibly fall over. I somewhat calmly yelled ahead telling them to get down.

I turned and told Star that I wouldn't even hesitate jump in if Zac or Ryland would have fallen over even though with the strength and dirtiness of the water below, I know it would be tough to find and rescue them.

Kylie was walking with Star and I listening and observing, and turned to me and asked, "Daddy would you jump in after me?" The tone of her voice and her body language told Star and I that she was asking a serious question. I hugged her and said, "Absolutely!"...and gave her a hug.

You had to be there and also understand the dynamic of our family to get the significance of this moment, but it was a defining moment for her. She wanted to know at 13 if I would still rescue and save her if she got into trouble.

Sometimes I forget that she's still a little girl. Sometimes she assumes the responsibility and seemingly has more maturity than some adults I know, but at her core she is still a little girl and needs to know that her Daddy would rescue her if she needed to be rescued.

Come to think of it, Star needs to know that I'd rescue her too. Does a girl ever loose that need? I don't think so.

Lord, help me to always let my girls know that I'd rescue them.

At the foot of the Cross...

2008-03-10T21:41:00.004-05:00

I recently went on a personal day long retreat at a conference center on 40 acres in central Texas. The acreage was absolutely gorgeous, and God showed me a ton of truth through his creation that day. The property is set up for personal and weekend retreats and has different themed trails that take you through a time of praise, confession, or thanksgiving. It was awesome.

Throughout the trails, there were places set aside to sit and journal, pray, read scripture and listen for God's still small voice. God revealed so much to me that day! Each scheduled stop on the trails were full of rich scripture reading and quiet meditation where God rejuvenated my heart....until the afternoon.

About 2:00 in the afternoon I came to another scheduled stop and read the recommended scripture and prayed. There was a bench underneath a 9 or 10 ft cross where I sat and waited for God to reveal something to me.

I waited.

I waited some more.

At this point in the day, I had a very expectant spirit. God had revealed so much to me throughout the day, and I was waiting patiently, no, impatiently for God to reveal something else. I sat for what seemed like 30 or 45 minutes. My mind wandered from one insignificant thought to another.

After a while, I decided to lie down on the bench and look a the clear blue sky. Maybe God would allow me to see him if I looked hard enough (just kidding)! But really, it was that kind of day. Nothing would have surprised me.

But...nothing happened. No revelation. No conviction. No call to do something. Nothing. Just quiet. So I shut my eyes. I don't know how long I slept, but I was obviously tired because I don't remember lying there very long. I remember waking up half frustrated and wanting to get on to the next trail for God to reveal something to me.

As I started walking away from the bench I turned around looked back at my place of rest. Then God showed me what I was trying so desperately to realize earlier...There is rest at the foot of the cross!

I immediately got chill bumps and sensed God's presence on my time once again realizing He had never really left. I was so caught up in trying to "hear from God" that I almost missed exactly what he wanted from me in that moment...to rest.

There was so much life meaning and significance in that entire day, but by far the most important thing God taught me is to know when to rest at his feet.

Please help me to know when to work, when to speak, when to pray, when to encourage, when to listen....and when to rest at your feet.

H

Hands vs. Face

2008-03-10T09:34:00.002-05:00

Do you seek God's hands or his Face?

A friend of mine was explaining the difference to me a couple weeks ago, and it really hit home. When you seek God's hands you are seeking something from him, but seeking God's face is seeking Him alone.

Since God is our ultimate provider of all things, He commands us to ask for help in our time of need, strength in our time of weakness, protection in our time of vulnerability, and also for provision in our time of need. So its not that we shouldn't ask him for things from his hands, we just need to ask with the right motive and for the right purposes. That's where I get messed up. I ask with selfish motives that I label as "upright and pure".

I ask with a desire to be delivered from sin so that I won't have to deal with that struggle. Or, I ask God to bless my finances so I can be free from worry and live a more "secure life". Or most embarrassingly, I ask God to cleanse me and make me holy so that I can, "...be on display in God's showcase so I can say, 'This is what God has done for me.' "

"Our motive for seeking God should not be for any personal gain at all."
Oswald Chambers

My application is to seek God's face and to ask Him to help me understand His purposes in whatever circumstances (lack or in plenty) he allows in my life all for the purpose of giving him Glory.

H

I finally found my password...

2008-03-06T06:59:00.002-06:00

I lost my password to this blog, but I finally found it...or something like that. Seriously though, it has been a while. God has been teaching me very cool things about his Grace. I'm learning I am only scratching the surface on the subject. And I'm learning my view on Grace has been a bit limited.

I understood God's grace more clearly than ever the day I first believed. But ever since then I've been deceived into thinking I need Grace less and less the more "spiritually mature" I become. I now realize there could be nothing further from the truth.

The truth is that as I become closer to God, the more I realize how much I need his Grace each day...every hour...every minute of every day. This is a humbling realization.

I need more Grace today than ever...Lord please help me to realize this and humbly accept it from you.

H

One word

2008-01-02T06:58:00.000-06:00

About 3 years ago, a friend asked me what one word best describes my relationship with God. Without hesitation, I responded with, "Responsibility". As soon as I said the word I desperately wanted to take it back. Responsibility? One word that best describes my relationship with my creator, the person that loves me more than I can imagine, and the word that comes to mind is responsibility?

Not even realizing the depth of my answer, my friend asked me to think about how it would make my wife feel if I used the same word, responsibility, to best describe out relationship. Wow. I started to realize how warped my relationship with God had become.

Walter Bruegggerman suggests that faith on its way to maturity moves from "duty (responsibility) to delight." I think a agree.

As I think about the past 3 years that followed that question, I realize that I'm on a journey. One that will not end soon, but one that promises great things. My motivation for serving God is moving away from duty, and getting closer to delight. I don't have to serve God...I get to serve God.

This morning as I get ready to start 2008 I am excited about getting the opportunity to experience life to the full through delighting in God each day. I know this is a pretty pie in the sky - cliche type statement, but for me I believe its a start to experiencing God the way he intended.

Hans

Protect me from dying a slow death...

2007-12-07T16:09:00.000-06:00

"Dream as if you'll live forever and live as if you'll die today."

James Dean

"We may not be able to accomplish all of our dreams, but we will accomplish nothing without our dreams."

"Part of growing up seems to be acquiescing to mediocrity. Its easy to say we are simply becoming realistic, that its just part of growing up. But in fact its the death of our souls. When we stop dreaming we start dying. For some of us this has been a slow painful death. For others, they are just walking around dead."

Erwin McManus
Soul Uprising

"We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire."

John Eldredge
The Journey of Desire

Sometimes I get tempted to throw away my dreams, my desires, and my passions. I think I don't have time to pursue, or I think I'm selfish to spend time making them happen, or worse yet I think life isn't supposed to be that good that I can pursue my dreams.

This morning I'm alive. I'm aware. I recognize that God created me uniquely for a purpose greater than myself, and that He wants to use my dreams, passions, gifts, and desires for His glory.

Father, help me not to loose this clarity You have given and help me to have the courage to pursue my dreams...today.

Life doesn't work...

2007-12-02T09:09:00.000-06:00

Life doesn't make sense. I'm learning its not meant to...and I'm learning to be OK with that.

"Life doesn't work. My job, my marriage, health, the pursuit of wisdom and God - nothing works to take away the daily sting of the Fall. But somehow in submitting myself to that reality, I'm happy. And that has to do with the bottom line point of Ecclesiastes."

Bold Purpose by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman

This statement grabbed me and I wrestled with it for a while, but I think there's some truth to it. If life did work, why would we have a need for God? Think about the people that think they have life figured out...do they have a vibrant, dependant, desperate relationship with God?

I'm coming to learn, rather accept, that I won't figure life out. It will never make sense completely.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I've thought of this truth as God's sick joke to Human Kind. But I'm realizing this is actually God's gift. It's God's gift because its what leads us to be completely dependant and desperate for Him.

H

A picture worth a thousand words...

2007-11-13T23:10:00.001-06:00

This picture is hanging in our executive conference room at FamilyLife. The first time I saw it, I couldn't stop looking at it. I'm not going to try and explain, rather I'll just let the picture speak for itself. Let's just say I want my marriage to look like this.

And no, these people are not actors. They are a real couple, with a real relationship, and a real marriage.

Hans

Monopoly

2007-10-11T06:20:00.000-05:00

I got a call from a friend of mine yesterday evening telling me he was sick and tired of reading my "I deserve this" post...so this one's for you buddy, and oh how it worked out so beautifully!

Over the past year or so I've been reading alot of great books. When Star and I go out on our weekly date, we usually end up at Barnes and Noble for a cup of coffee. If we are fortunate enough to get a "comfy chair"...life is good, and so is our read time.

I love to read...everything! I've even read 1 fiction book, which I would highly recommend...Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. Don't let the romance novel title fool you. It's flat out a great book. You won't be able to put it down. Want a picture of what God's love looks like? Read this book...this weekend!!

Enough Jibba Jabba...so anyways, when I look back over the past 2 years and look at what I've read, I have read more and more books, blogs, and encouraging emails, and less and less of the Bible. I don't want to get legalistic or anything, but I am beginning to see this as a problem. I don't know about you, but sometimes I get deceived that what I'm reading in God's word is not relevant to my everyday life. Recently I have had to be very purposeful in picking up God's word before any other book.

So lately I've been trying to read a Proverb every morning for the corresponding day of the month. Today is the 11th, so this morning I read Proverbs 11. Get it?

I start reading this morning, and I'm already seeing how God is using this chapter to give me instruction and encouragement for what lies ahead of me today. Today God's word is relevant.

And then I get to Proverbs 11:26:

"People curse the man who hoards grain, but blessing crowns him who is willing to sell."

Right after this verse was a word I had written a couple years back..."Monopoly". I cracked a smile at what God was up to. Read on...

The friend who called me last night and I used to get together with some other friends and play Monopoly. Some of our games would go way into the night...buying...selling...forming alliances, etc... Towards the end of our games it seemed like my friend was always trying to convince me to sell some of my properties. Even if I was broke, I saw my property as the only possibility of generating future revenue for a chance to win the game...so I would very rarely sell. Admittedly, I should have sold sometimes.

One night as I was being stubborn about selling my properties, my buddy cracked a smirk (I'm still considering he was seriously a little frustrated) and told me I needed to read Proverbs 11:26. I asked him what it said, and he told me to just read it on my own.

So I read it the next morning, laughed a little, and wrote the word "Monopoly" next to the verse.

Fast forward to this morning again, and I think God answered definitively that His word is relevant to my life...even in the game of Monopoly!

"All scripture is God breathed, and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness..."

2 Timothy 3:16

H

I deserve this!

2007-10-04T22:31:00.000-05:00

I ran across this quote today by Randy Alcorn. Unfortunately I struggle with thinking I deserve alot more than I really do.

"We are never grateful for what we think we deserve. On the contrary, we gripe and complain and think God and others are unfair if it doesn’t come to us. Thank God we DON’T get what we deserve. Christ took upon Himself what He didn’t deserve, so that I would not have to get what I deserved."

H

The hour I first beleived...

2007-10-02T12:44:00.000-05:00

I've heard it said that the biggest opponent of faith is forgetfulness.

I didn't feel like going to work today. Embarrassingly, I didn't feel like going in because today was our national day of prayer for our ministry.

I have experienced several days of prayer similar to this, and every time I walk away refreshed and with a much better perspective on life. But today, I didn't feel like going. I had way too much to do at the office, and I felt like I was too busy. Although as Bill Hybels would say, I was really, "Too Busy NOT to Pray"!

To kick things off we started singing some old songs that I felt were going to put me to sleep! Hymns don't always put me to sleep, but keep in mind I didn't want to even be there this morning.

Anyway, we all (not I) sang:

"Lord I Lift Your Name on High"...and I'm thinking, can't they pick something newer?

"Great is your Faithfulness"...I felt like I was singing around a piano in a retirement home.

and they started to sing..."Amazing Grace"

I have to admit, even though Amazing Grace is an old hymn it always gets me a little choked up. So as everyone else started singing, I started to almost enjoy this song. I started to sing half heartedly and under my breath...

"Amazing Grace
how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind but now I see"

...I started to remember how blind I was as a teenager. My lifestyle was wretched. And what's worse, I had no idea how wretched my lifestyle really was. I was truly blind.

The song went on...

"T'was Grace that taught
my heart to fear
And Grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed"

...I started to remember the first time I entertained the fact that someone loved me completely despite the wretched lifestyle I was living. This love that I was introduced to never gave up, was selfless, put up with anything, didn't demand anything in return, and was endless.

When I sang the line, "How precious did that Grace appear the hour I first believed", I was immediately brought back to the hour I decided to give something back to the person that gave me the love that never demands anything in return. I remembered when I gave my life to Jesus.

I'll never forget driving away from the church that day wanting to shout out the window the perfect love that was available to everyone...even people like me! I was as close to heaven then as I've ever been.

13 years later, I have been through some spiritual highs and some spiritual lows. When I got up this morning, I was not real excited about Jesus. But then I remembered how sweet his love was and is still today.

I do think one of the biggest opponents of my faith is forgetfulness. This morning I forgot, but now I remember!!

Psalm 51:12
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation"

1 Chronicles 16:12
"Remember the wonders he (the Lord) has done"

H

"Cat Daddy Grill"

2007-09-29T23:42:00.000-05:00

I have always wanted a gas grill. You know the one...stainless steel, triple burner, rotisserie, with all the bells and whistles. When I think gas grill, something like this comes to mind.

As much as I've wanted to own a gas grill, I've never bought one. Star has never bought me one either...per my request. She has asked several times, but my response is always the same, "...we don't have the money." This is not another post on money, at least I don't think so, so please read on.

When I told her (and myself) we didn't have the money, I meant we didn't have $3000 to buy the "Cat Daddy Grill", AKA the Napoleon Prestige II PT750rsbi Gemini Gas Grill (pictured above), or something similar.

I didn't want some $200 or $300 dollar deal. I wanted the top of the line, invite all your friends over, have plenty of space left, jaw dropping, sparkle in the sun, boil some corn on the side, spin a chicken, cook a steak, grill some hamburgers, all at the same time 'Gas Grill'...or the "Cat Daddy Grill"

So in 13 years of marriage, I have never owned a gas grill...until yesterday.

With 6 kids and a missionary salary, it was becoming clear that my "dream grill" was never going to happen. So when I came across a garage sale yesterday morning and saw a 'slightly used' Weber I decided to pull the trigger. Check it out...

The seller had it marked at $25...I offered him $20...he threw in a good John Eldredge book as a bonus, and 8 hours later I was grilling hamburgers in my back yard. It wasn't stainless steel, no neighbors were over, and I struggled to fit my 8 hamburger patties on the side of the grill that burned the hottest. But...I was grilling on my own gas grill.

As I sat and ate my hamburger without first having to wash the charcoal and lighter fluid smell off my hands, I found myself wondering why I waited so long to buy a grill. I love my new grill!

Here's to grilling in awesome weather this Fall!

Truly Uncensored...

2007-09-28T07:21:00.000-05:00

I have been reluctant to write anything this week because of my struggle to be truly Uncensored. Truth be known, I could have written several times on several different subjects, but I feared letting you into my world.

The past week has been tough. Can't put my finger on it necessarily, but I've found myself withdrawing from Star and the kids and living for the time that everyone is in bed and I can have some time for myself. I have put off several projects at work and at home because I haven't known where to start. I feel a little overwhelemed about alot of things.

(And this is why I love journaling so much) Even just in the past 3 minutes since I started this blog entry some of the weight of my load has been lifted, because I see my solution as much simpler than what it seemed over the past few days.

Off to make things happen today...

H

Paying for Counseling?

2007-09-24T08:03:00.000-05:00

"Counseling became a hired relationship between 2 people primarily because we couldn't find it anywhere else."

From "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge

What do you think of this statement?

This statement frustrates me because I think there is some truth to it. I have run into several people who admit they need counseling or therapy but say they can't go because of the money. I was one of those people back when Star and I were going through our marriage disaster 11 years ago. Thankfully my parents stepped in to help pay for it.

But what happens when parents, or someone else, aren't there to help? Counseling rates START at around $100 an hour and go up from there! Recently I helped a friend locate a counselor that wanted $180 an hour!

I'm not dogging the counseling industry. I think this industry is needed, and I am the first one to appreciate the God given talent of these men and women. I've been on the receiving end of counseling 3x in my life, and God has used it each time to change my life. Thank you Karl, Jim and Becky!

However, has our society become so busy, private, isolated, and secluded from each other that we have to pay for something that maybe God intended to happen among friends?

When Star and I were going through our marriage problems, I knew we had serious issues LONG before we went to counseling. I just didn't want to share our problems with anyone because I didn't have anyone that I trusted that I could share my problems with. I was in a small group at my church (which was awesome), but the relationships in that small group were so new that I wasn't willing to admit what was going on behind closed doors until it was too late.

I wonder what would have happened if I had admitted by personal and marriage issues in that small group as they were happening. Would Star and I have separated? I'm not sure, but I know it wouldn't have hurt our situation.

I'm anxious to hear your thoughts on this subject...

H

Thanking God for my struggles

2007-09-19T06:39:00.000-05:00

As I shared yesterday, sometimes I get frustrated about our lack of money. I was thinking further about this yesterday and this morning, and the painful truth is I feel this way about alot of things...

I think, why can't my job be more satisfying, why can't my master bathroom be nicer, why can't my relationships work better, why can't I be more responsible, why can't I get my act together in multiple areas. If I'm honest, I can get to a place of being very dissatisfied really quick.

Somewhere in my mind I have developed a false belief that I, with God's help, can create a problem free, suffering free, perfectly satisfied life. And when problems come up, I have a tendency to beat myself up for doing life wrong.

This morning I have a little different perspective...isn't the morning great?

I'm considering that when my dissatisfaction overshadows my joy in these areas (money, job, relationships, etc...) God is not trying to frustrate me, but rather gently remind me that there is only one thing that will satisfy...Jesus.

And, this is the "good" part. My satisfaction will never be complete, even when I'm "doing things right", until I'm in Heaven with Jesus.

My dissatisfaction serves the purpose of keeping me from making anything into something that will stand in the way of my dependence on God.

I don't know about you, but if it were designed any other way, I would become way too consumed with the things of this world.

Make sense? I'm still processing myself...

Money

2007-09-18T05:51:00.000-05:00

As supported staff of Campus Crusade for Christ, we rely on monthly gifts to pay our bills. Our salary is set based on our family size and there is not a whole lot of room for raises, bonuses, or the like.

Since I know some of my monthly supporters will be reading this post, I need to make this disclaimer: This post is not intended to be an informal ask for money or a cry for sympathy. The purpose of this post, and all others, is only to get my thoughts and struggles down on paper so I can better understand myself, and hopefully better understand the perspective God wants me to have.

I sometimes get frustrated about our financial situation. Sometimes it seems like we can never get ahead! Just when we start to follow Dave Ramsey's plan (God's plan) for financial freedom, it seems like the washing machine starts to sound like its fixin' to spin into orbit, or our Suburban sounds like some sort of pre-historic animal giving birth, or I experience what it feels like to give birth myself. No, I'm not referring to Star giving birth, I'm referring to a little nuisance (about 3MM's) that I recently experience called, yep you guessed it, KIDNEY STONES!

In "Bold Purpose" by Allender and Longman, they suggest that we (I) use money as a refuge against fear and a weapon of our anger. They go on to say that we are afraid of what might happen to us, so money gives us the power and control that we need to fend off assaults.

I can definitely relate to this. One of the reasons I crave 3-6 months of savings, a constant stream of money going into my retirement account, etc... is because I am fearful of what financial struggles are ahead. Usually, there is a direct correlation between my level of security and the amount of money I have saved for emergencies.

Now, I think the Bible does instruct me to save diligently. But I think the bigger truth that God is trying to teach me through this is to TRUST HIM.

He wants my trust to always be in Him, regardless of the size of my bank account.

Might be a simple principle to grasp for some, but I'm struggling with this.

H

My Defender!!

2007-09-16T21:25:00.000-05:00

You've got to check out this video. It gave me a picture of the battle that is going on around us. I'm so thankful I have Jesus on my side as my defender even when the temptations of this world sneak in.

Listen to the words of the song. Just beautiful. Here's my favorite line:

"How can I be here with you and not be moved you"

Awesome!!!

H

The other "V" word

2007-09-15T17:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the Vasectomy wasn't that bad. I was in and out in about 30 minutes.

On the way to the doctor I started to get really nervous. I started to think about the actual procedure. What if he messes up. What if he cuts the wrong tube? What if I stay numb forever?

...then the Valium started to kick in and everthing started to be ok.

So here's to the other "V" word. I wouldn't recommend one without the other.

H

The "V" Word

2007-09-13T22:29:00.000-05:00

3 Hints...

1. The thought of this word makes a grown man shiver

2. You've probably wondered at some point if I knew this word existed

3. It rhymes with "appendectomy"

Yep you guessed it...vasectomy. My time has come to give up a portion of my manhood, and hang up my ability to have more kids. There have been times I have said I would never have this done, but my time has come. When the doctor says we need to stop having kids because he's not sure if Star's body could survive another pregnancy, the decision is quite easy.

Tomorrow's the day...2:00.

Hans

Regular gas in a diesel truck!!

2007-09-12T13:36:00.000-05:00

A few years ago my old business partner bought me a Ford F250 Lariat 4x4 Diesel truck. I felt like my manhood was at its highest point when I drove that truck. Sitting high, in control, listening to the rumble of the diesel engine begging to release its power.

I have since sold the truck and drive a humble 1996 Dodge Dakota...no A/C...150,000 miles...and a paint job that is making people wonder if it was ever painted! Seriously though, I love my little Dodge (thanks PG!!).

Right after I got my "Texas Limo", my business partner told me to always make sure I put Diesel gas in. I thought...duh!!!! Of course I will.

He told me about a time shortly after he got his truck when he was in a hurry, on the phone, and needed gas. He pulled in, filled up, and drove off. He started to notice his truck was running really rough, hesitating, and acting like it was ready to die. He realized he did the unthinkable. He put regular gas in his diesel truck!

He immediately stopped the truck and called a tow truck to bring him to the closest mechanic. The mechanic had to drain the tank, clear the fuel lines, and make sure there was no other diesel gas in the engine. Expensive lesson!

I remembered that story every time I pulled into a gas station, and needless to say I always put the right gas in my truck.

God brought this story to my mind yesterday as I was talking with a friend about "steering clear" of sin. I shared how typically I set up some rules and boundaries in my life to help me stay away from different temptations of sin. I'm considering this might be like putting regular gas in a diesel truck.

If my rules and boundaries are the only thing standing in the way of me and my sin, it's a rough ride. And ultimately, although I might last for a while, my sin always wins.

I'm learning that the right kind of gas for me is called "Dependence". Not dependence on my rules and boundaries, but daily dependence on God and his power in my life. I've found this results in my engine rumbling, patiently waiting to release its power - His power...over sin.

So here's to putting the right kind of gas in my car...and in my life.

H

Jeckel and Hyde

2007-09-11T06:59:00.000-05:00

About 2 years ago I expressed a DEEP frustration with friend of mine..a struggle to love people more.

I still struggle with this. Sometimes I feel like Jeckel and Hyde! One minute I am a true lover of people. Other times, well, it's pretty embarrassing what thoughts go through my head and what words / looks come from me.

My friend shared with me...

“in order to love people more, you must get in touch with just how much God loves you, and when you get it, it will blow your mind and fill your heart to the overflowing, and it will pour out of you naturally, with no effort whatsoever.”

At the time it made alot of sense. But this morning I read something else that brought my understanding of what he said to another penetrating level.

“The more I become aware of the inconceivable glory of being forgiven, the more I will hunger to offer others a taste of the same banquet. The more I see the pettiness and darkness of my heart, the more aware I am of God’s everlasting pursuit of my soul. It is then I hear God’s voice, which invites me never to forsake any relationship any more than he has forsaken me.”

Allender / Longman “Bold Purpose”

In the context of my friends first words to me, I never thought of receiving God’s love as the forgiveness he perfectly offers me. Further, I didn’t make the connection that what’s preventing me from recognizing God’s love and forgiveness is my pride of “not needing it”.

Humble me Lord...

I know this sounds so simple, but this is a pretty big revelation for me this morning.

H

What do "Rescued Ones" sound like?

2007-09-10T06:35:00.000-05:00

Several weeks ago...

The left arrow turned green and I was about to follow the car in front of me through the intersection, when out of the corner of my eye I saw something that wasn't right. It was a Ford Explorer coming right through the intersection I was about to go through. Fortunately I stopped to avoid the collision. The Ford Escort in front of me wasn't so lucky.

I immediately stopped the car, threw it in park, and ran over to see if everybody was ok. The damage on the Explorer was limited to a smashed front end, but again the Escort wasn't so fortunate.

When I approached the Escort, 2 semi-conscious elderly ladies were moaning, "...help us, please help us!" Thankfully they were both wearing their seat belts, but they were trapped inside the car and both bleeding pretty badly in several places. I immediately started to speak words of encouragement to them both, assuring them that help was on the way and that we were going to do everything we could to get them out.

Within minutes, police and paramedics were on the seen and took over the effort to get the 2 ladies out and attend to their injuries. Seeing that my purpose in this situation was over, I got back in my car, and cautiously drove to the grocery store.

Several things went through my mind...thank you God I wasn't 1 minute earlier leaving the house...thank you God those ladies were wearing their seat belt...I need to be more careful and aware when I drive...I need to tell Star to be more careful and aware when she drives...etc...

I was definitely rattled for several hours after this happened, but then quickly (and unfortunately) forgot about it and returned to my bad driving habits, until yesterday.

In church yesterday we were singing David Crowder's song, "Oh Praise Him"...

Turn your gaze
To Heaven and raise
A joyous noise
Oh the sound of salvation come
The sound of rescued ones
And all this for a king
Angels join to sing
'All for Christ our King!'

Right after I sang the line, "the sound of rescued ones", I thought of what those ladies must of sounded like as they were rescued from that car. I would guess their moaning turned to an attitude of celebration. And if they were physically able, I would guess you would not be able to shut them up about how thankful and grateful they were to the people who rescued them.

I've never thought about what "rescued ones" sounded like until yesterday. It made me think about how God has rescued me from my own entrapment of sin, and how thankful and grateful I am to Jesus for saving me.

Needless to say I was singing a little bit louder yesterday in church...sounding like a rescued one.

H

Grace

2007-09-08T20:19:00.000-05:00

The person I love the most, 2nd only to Jesus, is my wife Star. She is incredible. I married WAY over my head. Everytime I walk in the door after a day at work and see her face I think, "I am so lucky!".

She loves me. She cares for me. She cares for our children. She tells me exactly how she feels - even when it hurts. She understands me. She is full of life. She listens to me even when I'm not making any sense. I love her freedom. I love her passion for Jesus and for people. I love the way she affirms me, while constantly challenging and motivating me through her life. I love that she can be totally present in any conversation regardless of what's going on around her. I love that she is fragile, and that she is not afraid to cry and show her emotions.

Did I mention she loves me?

So why in the heck would I ever do anything to hurt her?

We, by far, do not have the perfect relationship. We fight, say things we regret, turn the cold shoulder, just like anyone else. I'm not talking about that stuff. I'm talking about making a purposeful decision to do something, in a seemingly "sound mind" that would hurt her deeply.

I did that recently.

What's worse, I lied to her about what I did.

What's good...I ended up telling her about it.

What's really good...she loved me through it. She expressed, her anger and hurt...some more anger and hurt, but she loved me through it.

I'm not talking about the kind of love that ignores what happened and acts like everything's ok. I'm talking about looking me in the eye, like only she can with me, and speaking directly through to my heart that she loves me despite what I did. There's nothing like knowing that someone loves you like that.

The most beautiful part of this whole deal is realizing that God looks at me everyday like this. I just don't realize it. He is constantly looking at me in the eye, and speaking directly through to my heart that he loves me exactly for who I am.

Thank you Star for your love, and for reminding me of the Love that God has for me all the time.

So today is another great day knowing that my wife loves me, and God loves me even more......for exactly who I am.

H

The Secret

2007-09-04T06:55:00.000-05:00

I've never read it. Let me know if you have and your thoughts on the book.

I'm beginning to see chaos and disruptions in my life as normal, but more importantly...purposeful. God has a purpose everytime...

...there's not enough money in the bank to pay bills

...the kids don't listen to me...I'm late for work

...my wife doesn't act the way I think she should

...I don't act the way I think I should

...I don't get anything done on my to-do list

Ultimately I can't control these things, but here's my secret and thought for my day:

"The only thing I have control over is my search for God in the midst of my chaos."

I'm learning this brings true purpose.

H

I've fallen and I can't get up!

2007-09-04T06:43:00.000-05:00

Well, not really, but sometimes that's what it feels like for me when things really get out of control.

I'm reading, "Bold Purpose" by Dan Allender. Its a study on the book of Ecclesiastes which I'm finding I really had no clue about. The next several posts will be my abbreviated thoughts on this book. Enjoy!

Paul said in Romans 8:20 that creation will always be out of control to a certain extent. God does not want me to have a level of control that will allow me to think he is not in control. God doesn’t do this to frustrate me, he does it to teach me that He’s in control and I need him desperately.

When I understand that I'm not in control, it usually generates 1 of 2 responses: Can you guess which one is right?

1. Frustration that I'm not in control

2. FREEDOM that I don't have to be in control

HINT - #1 is wrong! Oh, but how many times do I get frustrated instead of free!

Freedom. When I surrender control, I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I need to let God be God and trust him with my circumstances.

This is a really good thought for my day!

H