"Cat Daddy Grill"

I have always wanted a gas grill. You know the one...stainless steel, triple burner, rotisserie, with all the bells and whistles. When I think gas grill, something like this comes to mind.

As much as I've wanted to own a gas grill, I've never bought one. Star has never bought me one either...per my request. She has asked several times, but my response is always the same, "...we don't have the money." This is not another post on money, at least I don't think so, so please read on.

When I told her (and myself) we didn't have the money, I meant we didn't have $3000 to buy the "Cat Daddy Grill", AKA the Napoleon Prestige II PT750rsbi Gemini Gas Grill (pictured above), or something similar.

I didn't want some $200 or $300 dollar deal. I wanted the top of the line, invite all your friends over, have plenty of space left, jaw dropping, sparkle in the sun, boil some corn on the side, spin a chicken, cook a steak, grill some hamburgers, all at the same time 'Gas Grill'...or the "Cat Daddy Grill"

So in 13 years of marriage, I have never owned a gas grill...until yesterday.

With 6 kids and a missionary salary, it was becoming clear that my "dream grill" was never going to happen. So when I came across a garage sale yesterday morning and saw a 'slightly used' Weber I decided to pull the trigger. Check it out...

The seller had it marked at $25...I offered him $20...he threw in a good John Eldredge book as a bonus, and 8 hours later I was grilling hamburgers in my back yard. It wasn't stainless steel, no neighbors were over, and I struggled to fit my 8 hamburger patties on the side of the grill that burned the hottest. But...I was grilling on my own gas grill.

As I sat and ate my hamburger without first having to wash the charcoal and lighter fluid smell off my hands, I found myself wondering why I waited so long to buy a grill. I love my new grill!

Here's to grilling in awesome weather this Fall!

H

Truly Uncensored...

I have been reluctant to write anything this week because of my struggle to be truly Uncensored. Truth be known, I could have written several times on several different subjects, but I feared letting you into my world.

The past week has been tough. Can't put my finger on it necessarily, but I've found myself withdrawing from Star and the kids and living for the time that everyone is in bed and I can have some time for myself. I have put off several projects at work and at home because I haven't known where to start. I feel a little overwhelemed about alot of things.

(And this is why I love journaling so much) Even just in the past 3 minutes since I started this blog entry some of the weight of my load has been lifted, because I see my solution as much simpler than what it seemed over the past few days.

Off to make things happen today...

H

Paying for Counseling?

"Counseling became a hired relationship between 2 people primarily because we couldn't find it anywhere else."

From "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge

What do you think of this statement?

This statement frustrates me because I think there is some truth to it. I have run into several people who admit they need counseling or therapy but say they can't go because of the money. I was one of those people back when Star and I were going through our marriage disaster 11 years ago. Thankfully my parents stepped in to help pay for it.

But what happens when parents, or someone else, aren't there to help? Counseling rates START at around $100 an hour and go up from there! Recently I helped a friend locate a counselor that wanted $180 an hour!

I'm not dogging the counseling industry. I think this industry is needed, and I am the first one to appreciate the God given talent of these men and women. I've been on the receiving end of counseling 3x in my life, and God has used it each time to change my life. Thank you Karl, Jim and Becky!

However, has our society become so busy, private, isolated, and secluded from each other that we have to pay for something that maybe God intended to happen among friends?

When Star and I were going through our marriage problems, I knew we had serious issues LONG before we went to counseling. I just didn't want to share our problems with anyone because I didn't have anyone that I trusted that I could share my problems with. I was in a small group at my church (which was awesome), but the relationships in that small group were so new that I wasn't willing to admit what was going on behind closed doors until it was too late.

I wonder what would have happened if I had admitted by personal and marriage issues in that small group as they were happening. Would Star and I have separated? I'm not sure, but I know it wouldn't have hurt our situation.

I'm anxious to hear your thoughts on this subject...

H

Thanking God for my struggles

As I shared yesterday, sometimes I get frustrated about our lack of money. I was thinking further about this yesterday and this morning, and the painful truth is I feel this way about alot of things...

I think, why can't my job be more satisfying, why can't my master bathroom be nicer, why can't my relationships work better, why can't I be more responsible, why can't I get my act together in multiple areas. If I'm honest, I can get to a place of being very dissatisfied really quick.

Somewhere in my mind I have developed a false belief that I, with God's help, can create a problem free, suffering free, perfectly satisfied life. And when problems come up, I have a tendency to beat myself up for doing life wrong.

This morning I have a little different perspective...isn't the morning great?

I'm considering that when my dissatisfaction overshadows my joy in these areas (money, job, relationships, etc...) God is not trying to frustrate me, but rather gently remind me that there is only one thing that will satisfy...Jesus.

And, this is the "good" part. My satisfaction will never be complete, even when I'm "doing things right", until I'm in Heaven with Jesus.

My dissatisfaction serves the purpose of keeping me from making anything into something that will stand in the way of my dependence on God.

I don't know about you, but if it were designed any other way, I would become way too consumed with the things of this world.

Make sense? I'm still processing myself...

H

Money

As supported staff of Campus Crusade for Christ, we rely on monthly gifts to pay our bills. Our salary is set based on our family size and there is not a whole lot of room for raises, bonuses, or the like.

Since I know some of my monthly supporters will be reading this post, I need to make this disclaimer: This post is not intended to be an informal ask for money or a cry for sympathy. The purpose of this post, and all others, is only to get my thoughts and struggles down on paper so I can better understand myself, and hopefully better understand the perspective God wants me to have.

I sometimes get frustrated about our financial situation. Sometimes it seems like we can never get ahead! Just when we start to follow Dave Ramsey's plan (God's plan) for financial freedom, it seems like the washing machine starts to sound like its fixin' to spin into orbit, or our Suburban sounds like some sort of pre-historic animal giving birth, or I experience what it feels like to give birth myself. No, I'm not referring to Star giving birth, I'm referring to a little nuisance (about 3MM's) that I recently experience called, yep you guessed it, KIDNEY STONES!

In "Bold Purpose" by Allender and Longman, they suggest that we (I) use money as a refuge against fear and a weapon of our anger. They go on to say that we are afraid of what might happen to us, so money gives us the power and control that we need to fend off assaults.

I can definitely relate to this. One of the reasons I crave 3-6 months of savings, a constant stream of money going into my retirement account, etc... is because I am fearful of what financial struggles are ahead. Usually, there is a direct correlation between my level of security and the amount of money I have saved for emergencies.

Now, I think the Bible does instruct me to save diligently. But I think the bigger truth that God is trying to teach me through this is to TRUST HIM.

He wants my trust to always be in Him, regardless of the size of my bank account.

Might be a simple principle to grasp for some, but I'm struggling with this.

H

My Defender!!

You've got to check out this video. It gave me a picture of the battle that is going on around us. I'm so thankful I have Jesus on my side as my defender even when the temptations of this world sneak in.

Listen to the words of the song. Just beautiful. Here's my favorite line:

"How can I be here with you and not be moved you"



Awesome!!!

H

The other "V" word

Ok, so the Vasectomy wasn't that bad. I was in and out in about 30 minutes.

On the way to the doctor I started to get really nervous. I started to think about the actual procedure. What if he messes up. What if he cuts the wrong tube? What if I stay numb forever?

...then the Valium started to kick in and everthing started to be ok.

So here's to the other "V" word. I wouldn't recommend one without the other.

H

The "V" Word

3 Hints...

1. The thought of this word makes a grown man shiver

2. You've probably wondered at some point if I knew this word existed

3. It rhymes with "appendectomy"



Yep you guessed it...vasectomy. My time has come to give up a portion of my manhood, and hang up my ability to have more kids. There have been times I have said I would never have this done, but my time has come. When the doctor says we need to stop having kids because he's not sure if Star's body could survive another pregnancy, the decision is quite easy.

Tomorrow's the day...2:00.

Hans

Regular gas in a diesel truck!!

A few years ago my old business partner bought me a Ford F250 Lariat 4x4 Diesel truck. I felt like my manhood was at its highest point when I drove that truck. Sitting high, in control, listening to the rumble of the diesel engine begging to release its power.

I have since sold the truck and drive a humble 1996 Dodge Dakota...no A/C...150,000 miles...and a paint job that is making people wonder if it was ever painted! Seriously though, I love my little Dodge (thanks PG!!).

Right after I got my "Texas Limo", my business partner told me to always make sure I put Diesel gas in. I thought...duh!!!! Of course I will.

He told me about a time shortly after he got his truck when he was in a hurry, on the phone, and needed gas. He pulled in, filled up, and drove off. He started to notice his truck was running really rough, hesitating, and acting like it was ready to die. He realized he did the unthinkable. He put regular gas in his diesel truck!

He immediately stopped the truck and called a tow truck to bring him to the closest mechanic. The mechanic had to drain the tank, clear the fuel lines, and make sure there was no other diesel gas in the engine. Expensive lesson!

I remembered that story every time I pulled into a gas station, and needless to say I always put the right gas in my truck.

God brought this story to my mind yesterday as I was talking with a friend about "steering clear" of sin. I shared how typically I set up some rules and boundaries in my life to help me stay away from different temptations of sin. I'm considering this might be like putting regular gas in a diesel truck.

If my rules and boundaries are the only thing standing in the way of me and my sin, it's a rough ride. And ultimately, although I might last for a while, my sin always wins.

I'm learning that the right kind of gas for me is called "Dependence". Not dependence on my rules and boundaries, but daily dependence on God and his power in my life. I've found this results in my engine rumbling, patiently waiting to release its power - His power...over sin.

So here's to putting the right kind of gas in my car...and in my life.

H

Jeckel and Hyde

About 2 years ago I expressed a DEEP frustration with friend of mine..a struggle to love people more.

I still struggle with this. Sometimes I feel like Jeckel and Hyde! One minute I am a true lover of people. Other times, well, it's pretty embarrassing what thoughts go through my head and what words / looks come from me.

My friend shared with me...

“in order to love people more, you must get in touch with just how much God loves you, and when you get it, it will blow your mind and fill your heart to the overflowing, and it will pour out of you naturally, with no effort whatsoever.”

At the time it made alot of sense. But this morning I read something else that brought my understanding of what he said to another penetrating level.

“The more I become aware of the inconceivable glory of being forgiven, the more I will hunger to offer others a taste of the same banquet. The more I see the pettiness and darkness of my heart, the more aware I am of God’s everlasting pursuit of my soul. It is then I hear God’s voice, which invites me never to forsake any relationship any more than he has forsaken me.”

Allender / Longman “Bold Purpose”

In the context of my friends first words to me, I never thought of receiving God’s love as the forgiveness he perfectly offers me. Further, I didn’t make the connection that what’s preventing me from recognizing God’s love and forgiveness is my pride of “not needing it”.

Humble me Lord...

I know this sounds so simple, but this is a pretty big revelation for me this morning.

H

What do "Rescued Ones" sound like?

Several weeks ago...

The left arrow turned green and I was about to follow the car in front of me through the intersection, when out of the corner of my eye I saw something that wasn't right. It was a Ford Explorer coming right through the intersection I was about to go through. Fortunately I stopped to avoid the collision. The Ford Escort in front of me wasn't so lucky.

I immediately stopped the car, threw it in park, and ran over to see if everybody was ok. The damage on the Explorer was limited to a smashed front end, but again the Escort wasn't so fortunate.

When I approached the Escort, 2 semi-conscious elderly ladies were moaning, "...help us, please help us!" Thankfully they were both wearing their seat belts, but they were trapped inside the car and both bleeding pretty badly in several places. I immediately started to speak words of encouragement to them both, assuring them that help was on the way and that we were going to do everything we could to get them out.

Within minutes, police and paramedics were on the seen and took over the effort to get the 2 ladies out and attend to their injuries. Seeing that my purpose in this situation was over, I got back in my car, and cautiously drove to the grocery store.

Several things went through my mind...thank you God I wasn't 1 minute earlier leaving the house...thank you God those ladies were wearing their seat belt...I need to be more careful and aware when I drive...I need to tell Star to be more careful and aware when she drives...etc...

I was definitely rattled for several hours after this happened, but then quickly (and unfortunately) forgot about it and returned to my bad driving habits, until yesterday.

In church yesterday we were singing David Crowder's song, "Oh Praise Him"...

Turn your gaze
To Heaven and raise
A joyous noise
Oh the sound of salvation come
The sound of rescued ones
And all this for a king
Angels join to sing
'All for Christ our King!'

Right after I sang the line, "the sound of rescued ones", I thought of what those ladies must of sounded like as they were rescued from that car. I would guess their moaning turned to an attitude of celebration. And if they were physically able, I would guess you would not be able to shut them up about how thankful and grateful they were to the people who rescued them.

I've never thought about what "rescued ones" sounded like until yesterday. It made me think about how God has rescued me from my own entrapment of sin, and how thankful and grateful I am to Jesus for saving me.

Needless to say I was singing a little bit louder yesterday in church...sounding like a rescued one.

H

Grace

The person I love the most, 2nd only to Jesus, is my wife Star. She is incredible. I married WAY over my head. Everytime I walk in the door after a day at work and see her face I think, "I am so lucky!".

She loves me. She cares for me. She cares for our children. She tells me exactly how she feels - even when it hurts. She understands me. She is full of life. She listens to me even when I'm not making any sense. I love her freedom. I love her passion for Jesus and for people. I love the way she affirms me, while constantly challenging and motivating me through her life. I love that she can be totally present in any conversation regardless of what's going on around her. I love that she is fragile, and that she is not afraid to cry and show her emotions.

Did I mention she loves me?

So why in the heck would I ever do anything to hurt her?

We, by far, do not have the perfect relationship. We fight, say things we regret, turn the cold shoulder, just like anyone else. I'm not talking about that stuff. I'm talking about making a purposeful decision to do something, in a seemingly "sound mind" that would hurt her deeply.

I did that recently.

What's worse, I lied to her about what I did.

What's good...I ended up telling her about it.

What's really good...she loved me through it. She expressed, her anger and hurt...some more anger and hurt, but she loved me through it.

I'm not talking about the kind of love that ignores what happened and acts like everything's ok. I'm talking about looking me in the eye, like only she can with me, and speaking directly through to my heart that she loves me despite what I did. There's nothing like knowing that someone loves you like that.

The most beautiful part of this whole deal is realizing that God looks at me everyday like this. I just don't realize it. He is constantly looking at me in the eye, and speaking directly through to my heart that he loves me exactly for who I am.

Thank you Star for your love, and for reminding me of the Love that God has for me all the time.

So today is another great day knowing that my wife loves me, and God loves me even more......for exactly who I am.

H

The Secret

I've never read it. Let me know if you have and your thoughts on the book.

I'm beginning to see chaos and disruptions in my life as normal, but more importantly...purposeful. God has a purpose everytime...

...there's not enough money in the bank to pay bills

...the kids don't listen to me...I'm late for work

...my wife doesn't act the way I think she should

...I don't act the way I think I should

...I don't get anything done on my to-do list

Ultimately I can't control these things, but here's my secret and thought for my day:

"The only thing I have control over is my search for God in the midst of my chaos."

I'm learning this brings true purpose.

H

I've fallen and I can't get up!

Well, not really, but sometimes that's what it feels like for me when things really get out of control.

I'm reading, "Bold Purpose" by Dan Allender. Its a study on the book of Ecclesiastes which I'm finding I really had no clue about. The next several posts will be my abbreviated thoughts on this book. Enjoy!

Paul said in Romans 8:20 that creation will always be out of control to a certain extent. God does not want me to have a level of control that will allow me to think he is not in control. God doesn’t do this to frustrate me, he does it to teach me that He’s in control and I need him desperately.

When I understand that I'm not in control, it usually generates 1 of 2 responses: Can you guess which one is right?

1. Frustration that I'm not in control

2. FREEDOM that I don't have to be in control

HINT - #1 is wrong! Oh, but how many times do I get frustrated instead of free!

Freedom. When I surrender control, I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I need to let God be God and trust him with my circumstances.

This is a really good thought for my day!

H